12/04/2009

Is this still a blog?

So, this blog is basically over. You can check out my newer blog, which is not just a random collection of my thoughts, but a deliberate and directed assault against a burgeoning part of the software industry.

www.HeyYourAppSucks.com

It's been real!

9/06/2009

Some Lists

McSweeney's did not want these, so they can be posted here now.

Most Adorable YouTube Videos

- A piglet wearing sunglasses is raised by a monkey wearing a bow tie
- Twin baby girls sing "You are my Sunshine" with a lisp
- A bounce house falls on a baby but the baby is not hurt because he was sitting such that the doorway opening went over him, and he giggles
- A kitten in a wheelchair plays Tetris on an iPhone
- A grown man dresses like a ninja and dispenses advice
- An otter wears a sport coat, smokes a pipe, and speaks with a British accent
- A duckling steals a muffin from a baby seal, then has it stolen by a guinea pig
- "The Trouble with Tribbles" is re-enacted by muppet actors wearing bow ties

Other Novels In Which A Troubled Relationship Is Depicted Through A Clever Metaphorical Title

- The Invisible Man’s Second Cousin
- The Vampire’s In-Laws
- The Alchemist’s Gay Partner Whom He Refers To As His ‘Roommate’
- The Babysitter’s Babysitter
- The Tooth Fairy’s Reliable Auto Mechanic
- The Levitator’s Half-Time Intern
- The Vice President’s Cornish Game Hen

7/29/2009

We're Running Out Of Time, Chloe

Seen in my Spam filter today:

You received this email because you are a client of, or expressed interest in, Uxoqcqvo Solutions.


I don't recall expressing interest in Uxoqcqvo Solutions. But then again, I express interest in a lot of things. Important things, mostly. So I don't want to ignore this e-mail. If I expressed interest in something, it stands to reason that I should follow up, even if I don't remember when or how I did so, or why.

But what to do? The e-mail contains no other information. This is therefore quite a quandary. I wonder: What would Jack Bauer do? Without Chloe, I mean. Maybe a query on the Internet's most popular search engine will turn something up.



Well, I most certainly did not mean "Uxocqc"; what kind of retarded gibberish is that? Maybe that one hip new search engine that I have been hearing a lot of buzz about will be able to find something.



Nothing, and no suggestion either. Microsoft Fail.

You know, I did recently get an iPhone, and I have noticed that because the touch-screen keyboard is so hard to use, their autocorrect function is quite smart. For example, it knows that when I type "hsppem" I really mean happen, and when I type "kosets" I really mean losers. You know, like the San Francisco Giants.

So maybe someone just types really sloppy and thought that spellcheck or autocorrect would fix the problem. Maybe it's not Uxoqcqvo that I expressed interest in at all. Maybe it's really one of the following:

Yzowcwvo
Uxiwvavo
Uxowvqci
Uzowcqvo

But none of those terms get any hits on Google whatsoever. Jack Bauer has been foiled!