Now Whiter!

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon this stack of boxes in the back of our office.

It's a bunch of Xerox paper. You know, for printing shit on. Because that's how we roll. But look closer ...

This paper is whiter than ever, according to the packaging. Already, I am trembling at the whiteness within. It will be blisteringly white. It will be so vanilla as to make the snowy Swiss Alps appear positively chartreuse by comparison.

This also got me to thinking. Aren't there other things out there that deserve the same distinction as this excitingly over-radiant batch of dead trees?


A Bad Boy Indeed

Sean "Puffy Daddy Diddy" Combs was born in Harlem and went to the historically black Howard University in Washington, D.C. Now he makes records with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake and does Burger King commercials.


Ketchup Fried Rice

Frightened by ethnic food? Have no fear! They now have ethnic restaurants that are unthreatening to the blandly boring brain. Their bizarrely foreign menu items are given wholesome American names, like Crispy Honey Chicken and Orange Peel Beef.


Pound It

The first time I can remember seeing the pound performed was on "Da Ali G Show" in 2004, but I am pretty sure I saw and/or participated in a fist jab prior to that. Ordinarily, the fact that something had risen to my level of awareness would mean it had reached critical mass of whiteness, but ironically, it took a black married couple to turn the pound truly white. As evidence, I direct you to this article in USA Today about people bumping fists in the workplace, and whether this meaningless gesture can somehow be made less meaningless through the attentions of the nation's largest newspaper. Answer: no. (Pound fists in celebration.)


But I'm Pretending To Be Vegan To Impress Chicks

Bacon-wrapped hot dogs would not ordinarily be liked by white people, but after the L.A. County Health Department moved to shut down the mostly Hispanic street vendors who sell them, they became instantly hip(ster). Blogs everywhere began asserting that their authors "have always loved" bacon-wrapped dogs. Libertarian rag Reason posted an online video with noted libertarian and angry white guy Drew Carey complaining about this heavy-handed government oppression, as if he always wandered down Alvarado Street to grab himself some bacon-wrapped hot dogs, tamales, churros, and fake green cards. Naturally, this makes sense because the publicity threw the bacon-wrapped hot dog (which I never saw a white person eating when I lived in L.A.) into several categories noted on famed white blog Stuff White People Like: Diversity, Being The Only White Person Around, Irony, Knowing What's Best for Poor People, and so forth.


Super Lucky White China Becoming American Whiteness!

To be fair, this is mostly self-inflicted. China has been trying to become more white since Kim Jong-Il and Al Gore invented the Internet, thus exposing this nation of billions to endless ridicule for its poorly translated street signs. From eyelid surgery to aerobic pole dancing to Orange County, China, the PRC is winning a new "Now Whiter!" sticker on a daily basis.


The Whitest Since McGwire's Rookie Season

And then there's this place. Ever since I moved there last year ...

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